Kyle Yost

Racer: Kyle Yost & Riley
Race: Pennsylvania Avenue Mile
Date: Saturday, September 25, 2004
Location: Washington, DC
Race Type: One Mile Run
Time: 5:20 +/-
Overall Place: 1st
Age Group Place: 1 / 25 (?)
Comment: "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear"
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Race Report:
Why is the alarm ringing? It's early and it's Saturday and I'm so warm and comfortable in bed burrowed deep under the covers. I don't want to get up. We used to get up early all the time and go for a morning run on the C&O Towpath, but since that Ironman thing in July it's been nothing but sleeping in and lazy mornings. Which is fine by me as it's hot in the summer and I don't like running in the heat. Plus, my hips have been getting increasingly sore this year, so I've been perfectly content with the new lazy routine. But today's a different story. I'm up and we're off and once I stick my head out the car window to get a good face full of fresh morning air I am ready for the day's adventure.

The environment around the start/finish area of the Pennsylvania Avenue Mile is unique and energizing. There are Olympians straight from Athens and Kenyan speedsters milling about with your normal everyday weekend warriors. And there are large groups of inner-city kids and youth track clubs as this event is put on by StartDC (www.startdc.org) to support child literacy. And, of course, there are the dogs everywhere you look who are there to compete with their owners in the Dog Trot division. This is my fourth consecutive year in this race and I never fail to get super excited once I get to the starting area. But I've learned through experience to save all the socializing and partying until after the race. There are lots of fast, attractive, and athletic racers here and it's easy to get distracted beforehand. Three years ago in my first endeavor at this event I got so caught up in the fun of the pre-race environment and socializing with all the young, hot tail running around that I failed to take care of the necessary pre-race business. Sure enough, once the race started I really had to poop and I nearly made it through the race, but about 100 yards from the finish line I could hold it no more so I had to stop and squat in the middle of the road, right in front of all the laughing and cheering spectators and in front of all the Kenyans who were warming up for the elite heat. Even the man on the PA system made fun of me. But, not this year. Now I've got the pre-race ritual down. Stay clear of all the excitement, get in a short warmup and a pre-race poop, drink some water, and save all the socializing for the post-race party.

There are many waves for the Pennsylvania Avenue Mile and mine was fourth. The start of this race is always chaotic as there are lots of bodies and not that much road space. My strategy was to get out real quick and get away from the bumping bodies and any nipping of the heels and then settle down. Of course, I haven't really done much running at all this summer and my hips have been acting up, so today was going to be all about having fun and not racing for the win. The past two years I have raced this event hard and gotten 2nd each year with sub 5 minute miles each time. But this year is just for fun. The race starts and is crazy chaos as always. But it soon settles down and I am in third place not too far behind the two leaders just taking it at a nice easy pace. We hit the 1/4 mile in 83 seconds. Pretty pokey and I'm just chomping at the bit to go hard, but the plan today is take it easy and enjoy the event. We hit the 1/2 mile turnaround in front of the Capitol building still in third place and still just behind the leaders in a pedestrian 2:50. I'm still itching to put the hammer down, but that's not the plan. Oh, what's happening? The leader has a problem, he's stopping to poop! Here's my chance, forget this take-it-easy strategy, let's hit the gas and see what happens. So, I do and I scream past the two leaders and into the lead. I'm just flying down the road now pulling away with every stride! The finish line is in sight and I've blown this one wide open. The crowds are cheering wildly for me and I hear girls screaming "Oh my God, he is sooo cute!!" Meet me at the finish line girls and I'll bathe you in kisses! I cross the line the victor in about 5:20, which means I did the second half of the race far faster than the first. But, who cares, after two years of placing runner-up, I'm now the winner and it's time to reap the awards! They shuttle me through the finish chute where I'm met at the end by a reporter from the Washington Post.

"What's your name?"

"I'm RileyDawg, and I'm a three year old Vizsla. I want to thank my owner, Kyle, for believing in me and bringing me back to race again this year. I also want to give a shout-out to my sister Maggie who is here running today; I think she got 6th place."

"Who slows who down out there, you or Kyle?"

"Well, take a look at Kyle hanging onto to his knees for dear life, and then look at me ready to go do it again with the Kenyan wave this time and answer that one for yourself, Einstein."

"OK, then. So, will you be back next year to defend your title?"

"You bet. I'll be back with a new titanium hip and we'll be gunning for the course record!"

"Congratulations! It looks like you have a group of adoring girls just dying to pet you so I'll let you go. Don't forget to pick up your $50 PetSmart gift certificate, though"

"Thank you, but first I'm going to go find myself some hot young bitches to hump. To the victor go the spoils!"